IVF Cycle #1… Day 10 scan

Yesterday was our day 10 scan to see how the stimms are going and if my
Follicles are ready for egg collection next week.. And we aren’t quite there yet.

I have a few follicles on each side but they’re all too small, the largest being only 13mm. The nurse advised us they like to see them at least 17mm for collection, so she upped my meds to 300iu a day (double what I’ve been on) and booked us in for another scan on Monday, with strict orders to rest over the weekend and not worry.

I am worried – I really hope they start growing nice and big for egg collection to be able to take place.

Have any of you been in this position?

How long did u stimm for?

Any advice or reassurance would be greatly appreciated.

Mrs R. Xx

My Mum – The Superhero

I have come to the conclusion that my mum is a superhero.

She’s a 4ft 10 inches, petite, blonde, shy, non cape wearing, world-keeping-together, superhero!!

She spends her days running around after me and my brother and sisters, making sure we are all OK, fixing our problems, offering advice, never judging, and generally keeping all our lives together without a second thought for herself. Its a given that no matter when you need her, she is ALWAYS there, for all of us, not once has she let any of us down. I don’t know how she does it…. she must have superpowers.

She is everything to me, my best friend, partner in crime, shoulder to cry on, person to rage about the world to, the person to bring me to reality and make me see sense, my one constant in my entire life, and by absolute rock.

……I have never needed her as much as I do now.

Throughout this infertility journey she has been by by side.

She’s cried with me, raged with me, counselled me, comforted me, calmed me, listened my inner crazy, seen through the brave face, and been there, no questions asked, 100%, without fail.

I know she knows I love her, and I know she knows I appreciate all she does, and I do tell her all the time, but I don’t think words could ever express my gratitude to her for all she does to keep us all going, and I know I would not have gotten through the hurdles I have faced so far had it not been for her constant support. She rings or texts every day, if something’s wrong, she just know, its like she has an inner sense, and despite any front she knows exactly how I’m feeling and how I’m thinking without me even needing to say a word

I think one of the reasons I have always wanted to be a mum so badly, is so that I can have a little person feel about me, the way I feel about her.

I hope one day I can be half the mum she has been to me, and I hope one day to give her a beautiful grandchild, because one thing is for sure, that little person will have the best nanny in the whole world.

I know you wont read this mum, but I love you, so much.

Thank you for being you.

Your little girl

Xx

IVF cycle 1… We are go!

We have now been using the buserelin nasal spray for 12 days and yesterday was our scan to see how I’m doing and if it’s worked as it should, and good news – all is quiet in there.. my ovaries are nice and empty and my lining is nice and thin so we are good to go with the stim shots!

I’ve felt fine on the nasal spray, luckily no headaches or mood swings, I actually feel a little better! – weird I know – but I think the anxiety and waiting around was making me crazy! Now we are ‘in’ this, and I’m kind of back in control, I’m feeling good! The only side effect I’ve had is that it’s flared my eczema up pretty bad.. I suppose that’s due to change in hormones and lack of moisture in the skin… But if that’s all I gotta deal with then I’m happy with that!

Today was our first shot… I have given TM the responsibility of the jabs! I think it’s good for him to feel ‘involved’ in this process a little more, and it makes it a bit easier on me! He has been fab, totally confident (or so he’d like me to believe) and reassuring .. All morning I was saying ‘I’m ready lets go!’ Then just as he was about to do it… ‘I’m not ready hang on 2 secs’ lol! I was frightened – I don’t know why, it’s just a natural instinct I suppose, but it was FINE! No pain, no stinging! And then I felt like a very brave lady indeed! And TM felt chuffed too I could see it!

We make a good team!

Now let’s pray for lots of follies!!!!

Mrs R. Xx

A kink in his armour..

It’s all getting a little too much for TM.
I think that now it’s all so ‘real’ and treatment is only days away he is starting to feel it.
We had a heart to heart last night, as much as men do, and he’s feeling totally freaked out.
He’s worried for me (jabs, anaesthetic, emotional toll etc)
He’s worried for us (if it doesn’t work, bumps in the road)
And he feels guilty, guilty that I have to be the one going through the physical parts of the IVF when the problem lies with him as it were. Guilty that we have to go through it at all. Prob guilty that he made us wait to start trying for so long when I’ve been desperate for years. Guilty.sad.scared. You name it.
I tried my best to reassure him, none of this is his fault, we will deal with what happens when it happens and we just gotta be honest with each other.
What I also tried to do was not reassure him too much! – sounds strange but sometimes u don’t want reassurance and babble, sometimes u just wanna say how u feel, say how shit it is and just be allowed to feel shit for a bit! And I think this is what TM needed… Not words of comfort and a quick pick me up, just an agreement that yes it is all unfair and scary and totally fucking shit…!

I feel so sad for him, for us.

I can’t wait for this all to be over and for him and me to be holding our beautiful baby son or daughter and feel it was all worth it.

I know you won’t read this but I love you Mr R.

Always and forever

Mrs R. Xx

My song…

*Warning – post contains soppy mush!

I remember moments in life with songs… I can hear something on the
radio and it brings back memories so strongly.. I really connect to songs and am always finding songs to reflect how I’m feeling at that present time.

This leads me to Christina Perri – A Thousand Years…friends have had this at weddings, it’s been on movies, I’ve heard it for a few years, but I’ve not felt it like I do now…since we have been going through this infertility stuff I can’t hear without crying .. I feel the words so deeply..

“how to be brave, how can I love when I’m afraid”

“I have died, every day, waiting for you”

“All along I believed I would find you”

I sing the words mostly to my future babies, I don’t want to be all doom and gloom but the constant ache and the yearn for them to come into our life hurts to the pit of my stomach.. It’s a pain and a yearning only those experiencing this would ever understand. I feel some of these lyrics really express that love and desire..and some lines also reflect my feelings to my lovely husband.

I’ve decided at the end of this (and there will be an end) I will use this song as the backdrop to a video I intend to make on our journey..

here it is…

Christina Perri – A Thousand Years

http://youtu.be/rtOvBOTyX00

One step closer…

Mrs R. Xx

We have dates!!!…….

Today we received our timetable of treatment! Eeeeekkk!!

We start the nasal spray (down regulating DR) on October 24th, and our first scan is Nov 4th.

The scan will show if I’m shut off, and ready to start with the injections.. and then on from there!

I’m going to enjoy the next 2 weeks pre-treatment, eat well, cut right down on the weekends vino, sleep well, and enjoy some TLC and time with TM and my fur baby…. Its all so close now, from never to 2 weeks… away…

We are both super excited, and scared/nervous.. but ready!

Still feeling really positive and hopeful!!

Lets do this!

Mrs R. Xx

ITS BEEN APPROVED!!!!

Title says it all!!

Panel reviewed our case, and today I got it in writting……

we are eligible for 3 rounds of IVF with ICSI!!!

This is it, it really is all about to start happening for us.

I am going to remain positive through all of this and pray it works for us, and today, I am just happy we can try!

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!

Wahooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs R. Xx

Flirty Thirty! – 13th September 2014

Its my 30th Birthday!! Wahooooo!!!

People keep saying your thirties are your best years so lets hope this is true for us!

Been soooooo spoilt and am feeling very loved.

I am so thankful that I have the support I have, I do not know how I would have got through this had it not been for the love I have from my family and friends. I really do have the most amazing people in my life.

Everyone has made an extra effort to make me feel special this year, and I will never be able to thank them enough.

This is my year, I can feel it!

Mrs R. Xx

Fights & Fertility Clinics – 9th September 2014

Its been a week now since our bad news and my mental breakdown.

TM was soooooo good and has completely taken over the fight and let me take a back seat and get myself together over the last week, its been nice to have a week off of thinking about the baby situ.. (kind of).

TM got hold of the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) and asked them to call the funding office and get some information on what ‘criteria’ we actually failed to meet and why we were refused… they are brilliant and the lady fighting our case has actually been through infertility herself so she GETS IT! Which is more than these boardroom dicks who read your forms and heartlessly make decisions do!

She rang us back this morning as said that we were refused because our Doctors surgery notes state we have had no contraception for 3 years, and our fertility clinic letter says ‘trying for more than 2 years’ and doesn’t give a specific timescale, apparently this is classed as conflict of information and rather than exploring both and finding out more than 2+ and 3 are almost the same thing they just declined the funding!! G-reat!

PALS said this is a good thing, as this has now been corrected and our case can be reviewed tomorrow (10th Sep) and the decision may be overturned! So this could be good, but after last week I am hesitant to get my hopes up, we just have to wait and see.

Had my first official app today with the fertility clinic and the Dr that will (hopefully) be performing our ICSI, he seems hopeful that funding will be given and asked us to sign all consent forms (31 pages each) and sent me away with all the info I need to start ICSI.

So now we wait…

Please let us have some good luck..

Mrs R. Xx

Its over before its begun – September 2nd 2014

So…

Its been 2 months since our request for funding and today we have been told that funding has been refused.

A blanket letter was sent to us with no personal information so no explanation as to why, just ‘you fail to meet the criteria’

Now, excuse me if I am wrong, but if we are told by a specialist that my husband has a condition where we can’t conceive our own children naturally, then exactly what criteria does that not meet???!!!!

I have tried to be strong throughout this, but today I cracked. I cried like I’ve not cried in years.

I cried over frustration at the system

I cried over the fact TM has this condition

I cried over the fact we have to go through this

I cried at the thought this may never happen

I cried at what could have been….

Today I feel so fucking hopeless. Heartbroken.

Maybe in a few days I will feel ready to fight again, to fight this decision, but not today.

Today I just want to disappear and for this all to go away.

Mrs R. Xx